An Open Prayer for the One Who Is Struggling

Dear Lord,

I am praying to You in desperation.

I am so lost without You to show me, guide me in this life. I so clearly see the error in my ways--trying to take control.

In all reality, I never had control, I never will have control, and I cannot make it through this life without trusting Your control.

I am so sorry, and I am such a fool.

I asked You to show me and You did, loud and clear. Yet, I still let my inner Achiever get the best of me, God.

For so long I have succeeded and triumphed, but at what cost? Whose success is it; Yours or mine? Who is it all for?

What was it all for?   

I have sacrificed my faith, my trust, my commission, my God, at the alter; for the sake of the grade.

For the success. 

My blog put on hold for the sake of the class.

My child whined for attention for the sake of the reading.

My husband immersed in virtual reality to escape my overly stressed-out nagging and complaining

And what was it all for?

Show My beautiful daughters they don't have to be Bible scholars to understand Me.

Show the world that a •f a i l u r e• a college flunk-out, can impact the world for Christ.

Write this down.

This is so hard to write--everything in my flesh is telling me to stop and scrap this blog. But, out of obedience, I declare in faith:

My name is Emma Leigh Howard.

I am a college dropout and a failure.

And I am a redeemed daughter of the King.

Chosen. Special. Loved. Smart. Strong. Beautiful. Ordained.

I ignored the obvious signs, the hard questions, because deep down I knew I was doing this to make myself feel better. To impress people. To do what was expected of me. To follow through on my plan. I knew this was not what I was called to do; in fact, this was the opposite. 

"It's now or never, Emma. You need to do this."

"You need a degree."

"Look at all of your friends graduating; you need that accomplishment."

"What will they think if you don't finish your degree?"

"You owe it to yourself, Emma."

And all for what? To get a job I don't want? Leave my baby at home every day when all I want to is to watch her grow, teach her value, give her knowledge, raise her to be a godly woman with a creative spirit while teaching others to do the same?

My calling is to bring Jesus to the broken, not lug a laptop to bed. My passion is building women and mothers up through vulnerable, honest community, not feigning motivation to write a paper.

For once in my life, I am on fire for the Lord, not straight A's in school.

It is time for me to let go of society's dream for me inside the tiny box, and embrace God's fantastic, creative, out-of-the-box plan for me.

I am more than a grade.

It's not about the money, it's not about the grade, it's not about the milestone.

It's all about You.

  6.26.18: Izzy’s first zoo experience. My first birthday as a momma.

 6.26.18: Izzy’s first zoo experience. My first birthday as a momma.